You know when Walt Disney so fulgently prints the trademarked Disney Land seal all over a film, in this case the grotesque roller coaster ride Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, those mouse-eared corporate pirates are beaming in delight over every glittering frame. Well, Disney with its many disgusting tentacles of ruthless business practices, dollar-worshiping and commercial browbeating, has opened a cinematic treasure chest and allowed moviegoers to scavenge the laughs, scares and thrills found in this wild theme park ride come to life.

In Pirates Of The Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest, the sequel to the original 2003 pirate adventure of similar tastes (or lack of taste) Captain Jack Sparrow is back along with Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner for another two and a half hour run from convoluted nonsense. Literally speaking, they are running away from Davy Jones, a bizarre master villain with a face of squid like tentacles and a disposition angry enough to actually scare Superman, the X-Men, and all those other summer good guys who seemed dazed by their lack of serious criminal opposition. Davy Jones and his army of sea phantoms are like strange hybrids of human warriors and toxic mold. What better army to waste away to old fashioned sword fighting? The film's plot thickens like blue blood, as it is discovered Jack Sparrow owes an unpaid debt to Davy James: his soul, surely worth more than just one ordinary human soul. Now he must find a way to avoid becoming eternally enslaved to the squid family, as Will and Elizabeth must find Jack Sparrow to save them from the law and their certain punishments of death by hanging. At the heart of this disgusting mystery is...well, something almost predictable, that of course, can only be discovered by acquiring a magic key. It sounds ridiculous and it is, but as Jack Sparrow would shrug off in gay ironic sarcasm, (gay as in light-hearted and fancy free, of course) "Pirate." What else do we expect?

Back in 2003 for The Curse Of The Black Pearl, Johnny Depp gave quite possibly the greatest action-hero performance in the history of the genre. His character of Jack Sparrow was something larger than villainy or heroism. It wasn't so much an ironic, self-deprecating performance as it was a theme park wax figure come hauntingly to life. His performance this time around is equally funny and exciting, though of course, it lacks a bit of the unpredictable edge we felt the first time around. It is only because the maddening prequel is still fresh in our mind that we can take Depp's comedic skills for granted and concentrate so deeply on the demonic charisma of secondary characters like Bill Nighy's Davy Jones and Kiera Knightley's two timing Elizabeth Swann, a once sweet girl who has finally been corrupted by the sea-swinging pirate lifestyle.

Discerning the film's strengths and weaknesses is like attempting the reconcile the evil and the good in Jack Sparrow, a game Elizabeth Swann is eager to play, but one the audience knows better than to try. You can't extract the villainy from the heroism in a fellow this hard-edged, just as you can't extract the film's campiness from the artistry. They are one in the same. The visual effects and make up creations are phenomenal. The action sequences are brilliantly choreographed so as to be equally absurd and amazing. (Does Jack Sparrow find a way to travel via a giant hamster wheel? Yes!) The scenes of monster destruction towards the end of the film are likewise a surreal spectacle.

The film features the same kind of mythic legend mixed with modern high-tech effects that made Lord Of The Rings such a successful franchise. To be honest, I don't consider the Lord Of The Rings trilogy in all its self important indulgence to be that much more entertaining or spiritually meaningful than the goofy shenanigans I saw sailing out on the Black Pearl. The only real difference between both film franchises is that Pirates Of The Caribbean wisely does not take all of this fantasy nonsense so seriously and lets a drunken and conniving Johnny Depp goof on all the action even while desperately running from a crowd of hungry cannibals.

Because of all its snickering pirate talk, Pirates Of The Caribbean won't be up for any major awards this year. Let's just call it one of the best movies you'll see all summer and treat a pirate like a pirate, instead of King. Grade: A-