What exactly is the new horror film Primeval? Is it a slasher film about a prolific serial killer in Africa or is it Crocodiles On A Plane (minus the plane?) The plot of Primeval unfolds as a news team is sent to South Africa to capture and bring home a humongous, twenty-foot crocodile. At first, the gang of cool social misfits is excited to be traveling to Africa and think of it as an exotic, fun-filled adventure. (The story takes place before Blood Diamond, people! That means that Americans actually had to watch the news to know of the African people's plight) But the task proves to be more difficult than they anticipated when their assignment turns deadly. Not only are they threatened by the crocodile, they are also hunted down by a ruthless warlord.

Primeval could have been a success--either as a horrific true story of warlord cruelty, or as a suspenseful popcorn flick about a blood-thirsty crocodile who hunts human flesh. The marketing campaign of Primeval seems particularly confused, as it features a grim picture of human remains, but doesn't reveal much else about the story. At least we know people die in it, and that's what these horror producers are counting on. However, director Michael Katleman fails severely to produce a truly terrifying vision when it comes to creating horror and suspense. The film is not scary, overly demented or even that suspenseful when the crocodile starts hunting. The warlord in the picture has little to do besides look menacing for less than a quarter of the film. The crocodile in the picture never seems fearsome, huge or even amazing. I never thought I would write the sentence that Snakes On A Place was better than anything--literally anything, even two hours of Disney-produced cell phone warning commercials. But at least Snakes On A Plane attempted to make the snakes come to life and seem both amazing and threatening. The croc in Primeval was a shadowy glimpse of terror and a poor visual effect that chomped on characters I never really cared about.

I pitied the crocodile species that was harmed and defamed in the making of this cheesy flick--almost as much as I pitied actor Orlando Jones, who though once having a promising career in comedy and action, has been reduced in this film to C-list black dude status. With all the MAD TV sketches Jones has been involved in, why didn't the director just let him ad-lib something funny? I also pity John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris who will be forced to admit on their future screen writing interview that they wrote both Catwoman and Primeval.

Nobody has much to do about anything in Primeval besides die and or narrowly escape certain death. Primeval claims to be based on a true story on a very prolific serial killer. I don't mind true stories or films about serial killers, crocs or African injustice. What I do mind is poorly-directed and badly scripted movie remains such as this film, surely as dead in the water as one of Gustave's victims. Grade: D-