It's easy for a film critic to lapse into a spell of laziness and type out a simple fact that millions of people will readily agree with: Epic Movie is not funny; it's lame material; it's insipid cinematic waste that was produced to make a quick buck during the busy Super Bowl week. However, such statements are a betrayal of everything we know as Art Critique. Editors and producers can make thoughtless statements and feel good about themselves. Someone who is a connoisseur of art, in cinema, writing or music, must make an effort to explain on some sort of intellectual level why crap smells like crap.

In short, Epic Movie is crap because it is nearly two hours of loving tribute to better films. Writing and directing team Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer did not truly make a parody movie, despite however they are selling their million dollar flick. Effective parody, is at heart, biting satire. In order to be funny, the spoof work must point out the absurdity of the legitimate material in a winking, ironic way. Yet, Epic Movie pokes fun at films like Nacho Libre, Pirates Of The Caribbean, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and Borat (of all things)--movies that were just as self-effacing and unfortunately, much much funnier than the spoof. Friedberg and Seltzer cannot even devise a way to poke fun at these other movies; instead, it drops famous names, plagiarizes concepts, and poorly imitates memorable images without any critical commentary--and thus without any laughs.

Epic Movie not only fails at parody, it fails in the comedy genre. While many actors today cannot truly compare to Leslie Nielsen's brilliant deadpan slapstick of The Naked Gun movies, at least a few comedians can try. Will Ferrell can keep a poker face as long as he cringes. Jim Carrey could not keep a straight face if his life depended on it (see The Number 23), but at least his effervescence comes shining through. But Epic Movie's failure does not necessarily lie in performances. Jayma Mays plays zestfully plays dumb, and even Jennifer Coolidge makes us gawk at her comic timing (and cleavage) as the "White Bitch." The problem lies with the script--even shoddier than the directing--as no coherent story is ever formed, no continuity established, and thus no comedic actor is ever given a serious moment to goof on.

What's scary about Epic Movie is not that the script was written and someone actually got paid for it; what's truly frightening is how many people green-lit this film, believing mainstream audiences were so gullible they would never notice the difference between sassy tribute and funny parody. It's true that Epic Movie is still making money, but audiences are naturally are falling for the marketing campaign and assuming that this a funny film and a witty parody of all those overblown summer blockbusters. Epic Movie is two hours of mindless rehearsal, a film that lacks wit, joy and even one original concept.

I saw Epic Movie alone in the theater. By the time I bought a ticket, young audiences had cleared out to watch A Night At The Museum, which at least guarantees a few forced laughs. The sound of one person not laughing at a two-hour comedy is scary indeed. Grade: D-