SCENE: The Old West. A small movie theatre in the middle of nowhere. Inside the lobby, a few patrons are hanging around after seeing Clint Eastwood's "Iwo Jima." After the hushed conversation in one corner becomes a bit more heated, one of the four leaves the discussion and approaches the counter. This is MOOKIE, as portrayed by Spike Lee in Do the Right Thing, replete in Brooklyn Dodgers jersey and shorts.

Mookie approaches the counter, behind which stands a suited DIRTY HARRY, as portrayed by Clint Eastwood in, well, who remembers the name of any Clint Eastwood film except for maybe Unforgiven? As Mookie approaches the counter, Eastwood prepares to emote.

Mookie: Hey, Clint?

Dirty Harry: Yeah...?

Mookie: How come you ain't got no brothers in your movies?

Dirty Harry: Excuse me?

Mookie: How come you ain't got no brothers in your movies? I mean, here you are, you make these great films and all, but there's no brothers in 'em.

Dirty Harry: Listen, punk -

Mookie: C'mon on, now, Harry. Hear out the Mars Man here. You made two films about Iwo Jima that ran for more than four hours total, and there was not one Negro actor on the screen. Are you trying to say that there weren't black troops at Iwo Jima?

Dirty Harry: You need to study the history, pal.

Mookie: THE history? Don't you mean His-Story there, Dirty Harry?

Dirty Harry: A guy like you should just shut your face.

Mookie: Aw, Harry, what's up with that? Whaddya all gotta come off like that for, huh? This isn't the plantation. You just sound like some dirty old man.

Dirty Harry: Listen. You make your own movies, you can put however many African-Americans you want in 'im. These are my movies, so I put my actors in them.

Mookie: Hey, I got my own movies. I got brilliant movies: I got Crooklyn, I got Clockers, I got Summer of Sam, I got the 25th Hour...

Dirty Harry begins chuckling.

Mookie: What, you big dumb -

Dirty Harry: Nobody saw those movies.

Mookie: Hey, now you listen.

Dirty Harry draws a pistol. Mookie doesn't flinch.

Dirty Harry: No, punk, you listen. I've got ten Oscar nominations to my credit and my next film's gonna win three or four more. Now, you got a problem with that, punk?

From the back enters Italic Institute of America president Bill Dal Cerro.

Dal Cerro: Harry, what the hell are you doing? What in the name of Hamburger Hill is going on out here?

Dirty Harry: What we're having here ... is a failure to communicate.

Mookie: Listen, this little spaghetti Western-making mother--

Dal Cerro: Wait a minute. What did you say? Spaghetti? Is that a racial slur?

Mookie: I said, "Spaghetti Western." Spaghetti Western.

Dal Cerro: I heard what you said. I sometimes wish you'd practice what you preach. Your points about African-Americans are well taken, but, ironically, you do the same thing to Italians in his films.

Over shuffles DAH MAYOR, as portrayed by the late Ossie Davis. (No relation.)

Dah Mayor: Son, do the same thing.

Mookie sighs, slowly walks outside, picks up a garbage can and hurls it through the cinema's glass front window. Pandemonium breaks out, and Dirty Harry starts firing indiscriminately. Several movie patrons go down in a hail of bullets and blood. To one side, the COEN BROTHERS can be seen laughing uproariously at the red spewing forth from people's heads. Dirty Harry shoots them, too.

Coen Brother no. 1: All we ever wanted ...

Coen Brother no. 2: ...was our carpet back.

As the cinema burns, the grim visage of Clint Eastwood is seen in closeup, smoke curling behind.

Dirty Harry: You better bury them right! Better not go cuttin' up, nor otherwise harm no whores. Or I'll come back and kill every one of you sons a' bitches.

FIN